Payton's making new friends!

The middle picture is of Payton and his new best friend, Slausen!

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Unidentified Flying Object

I took this picture in Camarillo California yesterday, isn't it cool?

I lived in California before...

...but then I was in Petaluma, a bit north of Frisco. I occasionally saw celebrities, on and off of movie sets. Now I actually live IN Hollywood so I seem to see quite a few...so many so that I've even been surprised at how many I've seen. I stopped mentioning them after about 4 because it was becoming rather boring and to tell you the truth, I wouldn't have known who most of them were if someone hadn't told me.

Saturday night I was at a place called Busby's shooting a few games of pool and minding my own business when the bartender asked the guy who was playing pool at the other table why he looked so familiar. The guy said that he was on Madmen, a show I've never seen. I didn't have a clue who the guy was and I didn't know his name so it wasn't really worth mentioning.

What I should have mentioned about Saturday night was that I had a beer and 3 sips of a Bacardi and Coke after taking a pain pill Saturday afternoon. I did all of that without eating so I sort of deserved what happened on the way home. Unfortunately, others who DIDN'T deserve it paid for my stupidity.

After a few sips of my drink, I started to feel a bit queasy so instead of waiting for my daughter to pick me up, I started walking home. After walking for about a mile, I decided to hop on a bus for the last mile down La Brea. I don't know if it was all the people dressed in costume that tightly packed the bus, the movement of the stupid thing or the fact that I never did eat, but I quickly turned green and felt an impending and unstoppable need to puke.

Luckily for me, the bus was approaching my stop so I pulled the string to signal a desire to get off of the bus. I was actually relieved for a moment because, despite my best efforts, I was about to blow chunks and I hoped to be able to do so at the intersection of La Brea and Melrose and NOT on the bus. I won't tell you how far I went to avoid heaving all over the bus, but trust me...my efforts were valiant.

They were all for naught. Before the bus came to a stop, I barfed on the arm of the guy sitting to my right. Then, without missing a beat, I got the leg of the guy on my left. That's when the bus stopped and I bolted without apology. All I wanted to do was get off of the bus before it happened again. I'm not blaming any of that on the Madmen dude, but it was quite a coincidence that I lost my beer shortly after seeing him.

Although I felt badly about leaving the contents of my stomach in the lap of some dude dressed up as a vampire...I planned to find a way to spin my short bus ride into a humorous story and I did so for most of Sunday. But I DID feel for the 2 guys who caught the wrath of my gastro-intestinal upheaval. I even tweeted an apology on Twitter on the off chance that the barfed upon guys were cleaned up and reading my tweets but I forgot to tell you guys about it until right now.

Then, yesterday my daughter and I stopped at a gas station in Camarillo. I was sitting in the car as my kid went in the store for dog food and although I noticed the chick in front of me stick the pump into the gas tank of her Suburban, I certainly didn't know who the anorexic wench was so I paid no attention to her.

When my kid got back in the car, she told me that the woman in the Suburban was Rachel Griffiths, an actor on a show called Six Feet Under. I've never seen that show so even when my daughter told me who she was, I didn't know her. And I couldn't see her because she was sitting in the Suburban as the gas pump was hanging out of the left side of it all by itself.

Apparently, my daughter was a fan so when she made eye contact with the skinny chick, she smiled at her. By that time she was also pumping gas and not likely to run away from her own car to mob Griffiths. Also, it was the middle of the day and the gas station was full of men so I can't imagine anyone feeling threatened, certainly not by the smile of a young woman.

Now, I know my kid. She isn't a nut and she has seen her share of celebrities around town and as a planner of the Golden Globe awards. Star spotting has become very commonplace to her and if she wasn't a fan of Six Feet Under, she probably would have walked away without smiling.

But as soon as she DID smile, the middle-aged quasi-celebrity jumped into her vehicle as though Jack the Raper had just shouted "You're next!" at her. So even if I wanted to see her, I couldn't unless I was nutty enough to wait for her to get back out of her gas guzzling truck/car and I'm not THAT nutty at all.

I've long ago lost count of the famous people whom I have met as well as those with whom I've worked. I can safely say that, with the possible exceptions of Bill Murray and Sally Fields, every single star who I've met has been as pleasant as a normal person would be.

It doesn't surprise me that a nobody would hide from "prying eyes" because it seems as though the sweetest stars I've encountered have been the most celebrated. For example, Bob Hope, Charlton Heston and Harrison Ford were all more than gracious when I met them. I met Ford at a party but Heston and Hope could have easily avoided me. They didn't. Instead they behaved liked regular human beings.

Those 3 men were stars that most people on this planet would know. If they were pumping gas along with 10 other people, at least 9 would have recognized them. But Rachel Griffiths would need quite a few more gas pumps full of people before anyone would pick up on her identity. She should be pleased that ANYONE knows who she is yet rather than return a smile from a fan and continue pumping her gas...she chose to go to all the trouble to jump back in her ride with the gas pump hanging out of the side of it.

I didn't think about it until I was back on the freeway but if I see her again, I'm sticking my finger down my throat and blowing chunks all over her Suburban, her left arm or her right leg.

It seems as though the clock...

...on this computer is finally correct. I guess it'll screw itself up sometime next spring but for now, I'll enjoy the convenient little time keeper in the corner and it'll actually tell me the truth for a change. I don't have to do any math, I don't have to consider what time zone I'm in and by the time I get used to this method of time keeping, it'll be wrong again.

I'm sure there's a way to fix that sucker but when I sit at my computer, I usually have something else on my mind that takes precedence over the clock thing. Instead, I sit here for 6 months of the year chronologically challenged and wishing that there was a clock around here with the correct time on it. I sometimes think that I should offer myself as the poster child for procrastination but once again, there's always something more pressing to take up my time.

You may ask why I don't just stop what I'm doing and fix the stupid thing. Well, there's a reason for that. Since I moved to the West Coast, I always worry about the people who like to read this crap in the morning. I don't want to screw up their evening by making them wonder if I ever did get around to writing something and I certainly don't want to mess up my own evening worrying about people I've never met so I'm always in a hurry when I sit down to write and with my daughter around, I notice how much time I spend writing. Sitting alone in my own place lends itself to writing more so than having a kid around seems to.

See? I'm digressing again and digressing is really just written procrastination, don't you think?

I feel the need to do it again so here goes. My daughter keeps BBC on the television so much that she's beginning to get a British accent. I'm not really sure how to change the channel without alerting her to my actions. She keeps that remote control so close to her that I can't really do it discreetly, even if I wait for her to fall asleep. It's not like I can do anything without the remote...if I tried I might end up pushing a button that can't be un-pushed without the remote. Then I'd have to come right out and tell her, "I've screwed up the TV, I need the remote."

That would start an argument over "Why didn't you just get the remote in the first place?!"...after all, "What you did just doesn't make sense!" I never claimed that I made sense and I never said that I wasn't a flake. As a matter of fact, I've colored my hair blonde as a warning. If she assumes that I'm brighter than your average blonde, it's on her.

You know that look that you get when you get caught doing something incredibly stupid like eating a co-worker's lunch, locking the car keys in your trunk or asking a Pet-Mart associate where the peanut butter is? Well, I seem to be getting that look often and I don't think it's fair. I could take her into MY house and get annoyed every time she breaks one of MY arbitrary rules but it just wouldn't occur to me. Even if I wanted to take the time and energy to do that, I'd just procrastinate until I forgot about it and nothing would come of it so I don't even bother pondering over such minor transgressions.

I may notice a person who does something that annoys me, but unless they keep on doing it in front of me, I won't go out of my way to bitch at them. It would be like trying to reason with a drunken person walking down the street...it's not worth the time so I just keep walking to my destination. My daughter would stop and take the time to bitch at the drunk and there you have the difference between her and I.

The difference between a drunk and myself would be that I remember all the stupid stuff my kid tells me. Unfortunately, I never seem to remember to avoid irritating her. On Halloween she got mad at me for eating a candy bar. If eating a candy bar on Halloween can get you in trouble, who's gonna worry about which kitchen sponge is for the pet's dishes and which one is for people dishes?

And one more thing...I'm not nice because I don't know HOW to be a bitch...I can do that quite well. I simply CHOOSE not to.

I have a hard time...

...keeping up with all of the new words that seem to pop up in daily use nowadays. Ordinarily I can figure out the meaning of new words by the way in which they're used. I heard a new word recently and I thought that I knew what it meant. It was used in reference to me by someone who obviously doesn't appreciate my humor so I just figured it was something bad. And since it was used by someone who only knows me online, I knew it had to be because of something that I said or did on this blog.

A while back I wrote a post about my odd feet. I didn't know that they were odd until people started pointing that fact out to me. I have very long fingers, legs and toes and my second toe is so long it's actually longer than my great toe. I posted this picture of my malformed foot to go along with the post regarding people who suffer the same ailment:



My freak toe doesn't bother me, and as far as I know, I've never suffered any discrimination because of it. But, I know how people frozen with 8th grade emotions think and most of them would seize the opportunity to make fun of me and my toe. That's OK, I'm not stuck in 8th grade so I couldn't care less what some nit wit says about me or my abhorrently long second toes.

Having met more than my share of feeble bullies, I can sort of see the effete attacks before they come. So, after publishing that picture of my malformed toe, I wasn't surprised to hear that there was a name for that deformity and some childish man-wannabes were using the derogatory term in reference to me. When I became aware of the sad little attempts to annoy me with the toe jokes, I brushed them off and never really thought about it again.

Then, this morning my daughter said that one of her toes was hurting her. That made me think of my toes and the freaks who made fun of them. My daughter seems to be rather hip about things so I decided to get her opinion and see if my toes qualified for the nasty little moniker given to them by some computer troll.

As my daughter walked into the kitchen where I was sitting at the table, I took the sock off of my right foot, stuck my foot up in the air so that it was pointing at my kid and asked her, "Do I have a camel-toe?"

Well, she knew what it meant. First she looked at my face and then she asked, "Are you kidding?" Of course, I was NOT kidding and she could see that. It caused her to laugh for a very long time. She laughed so hard that she couldn't tell me why it was funny. Eventually she did calm down enough to say, "Look it up on the computer...search images so you can see one."

I did. Apparently camel-toes have absolutely nothing to do with feet, or toes for that matter. Even after she stopped laughing, my daughter couldn't quite explain what an actual camel-toe was, but she was able to say that I did have one in this picture of my backside:



For those of you who are unfamiliar with the term, it seems as though the camel reference has something to do with two humps.

You know, if I had met someone with a really long second toe, I very well might have called them "Camel-toe". Knowing me, I would have said it right to their face and with my luck, they would have known exactly what a camel-toe was.

I'm glad that the issue came up with my grown daughter, I could have asked ANYONE had the thought had popped into my head at a different time. Even so, it was slightly embarrassing. I've asked a few stupid questions in my life...here are some of the more asinine queries that I've made:

1. I took a letter to the Bensenville post office so I could send it to my cousin who lived about 10 miles away. I asked the man if they could send it air mail. He responded, "You could if there were any planes flying from Bensenville to Roselle."

2. After a night of making love I asked the father of my kids what the fishy smell was. He laughed so hard he had an anxiety attack.

3. I asked my father the name of the song that goes, "Bingo, bango, bongo" over and over again. He didn't even laugh, he just shook his head and walked away.

4. I walked into Auto Zone and asked for the "small funnel". I needed one that would help me get the oil in the little hole. Instead, the guy showed me the BIG hole that said OIL.

5. I walked around the Dollar Store looking for someone to tell me how much the sponge in my hand was. Luckily I realized where I was before I actually asked for the price check.

6. My ex had a woman calling our house, I found someone else's make-up in our car, he stopped calling me from work and he treated me like shit. Then I asked, "Is there somebody else?" That may be the single dumbest question that I, or any other woman, has ever asked a man.

I tried to come up with 10 stupid things that I've asked people but I only came up with 6. Do NOT let that lead you to believe that those are the ONLY dumb questions I've ever asked. They're the only 6 that I can come up with right now. I may remember more and if I do, I'll be back to let you know about them.

For now, I have to take my dog for a walk. He LOVES Los Angeles but they do have a law that ALL dogs (except breeding dogs) have to be de-sexed. That poor dog is a virgin and now he has to lose his testicles without ever having a chance to use them. How sad.

I like to think that...

...I occasionally push the envelop when I'm writing. I like to do it and it seems to come naturally to me considering that I just write what's on my mind. I may make a joke about someone's sex organs now and then...but not their religious beliefs. I wouldn't bother doing that even though it might be funny because it's sort of like going out of your way to hurt feelings. Unless you are a husband who cheated on me, I probably won't hurt your feelings if I can avoid it. (Of course there are exceptions to this rule...but you'd really have to be a prick to incur my wrath.)

I'm not sure what Larry David was going for in the episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm (he peed on a picture of Jesus Christ) but I suspect it was a play for publicity. His best cerebral work is behind him and without Seinfeld, David is just another Jew with a bad attitude. His character is a nasty little man without the appeal of a Kramer or George. I wouldn't want that nit wit in my house so I won't invite him in by watching his show. As a Seinfeld fan, it seems that everyone wants to give me DVD's of David's latest season. I tried watching the first season and except for a minute when David's pants made it look like he had an erection, I couldn't find anything about the show to be funny.

Obviously the show has it's fans, I'm just not one of them. I'd like to see the episode with the old Seinfeld cast members, but other than that, I have no interest in tuning in to HBO to catch Larry David being a jerk.

It seems as though the pee was actually a splash-back of urine that missed it's target. David wasn't trying to pee on Jesus, but, inadvertently, he did. When a lady subsequently used the restroom, she observed the 'peed upon' Jesus and assumed that the image of Christ was crying, leading her and her mother to kneel down in prayer...right there in the bathroom.

Now, I see the humor in that and I'm sure many others do too. BUT...I'm also sure that some people would be seriously offended and the bit wasn't THAT funny. I would never go to Islamabad and pee on whatever Islamabadians find sacred and I don't think that David should pee on a picture of the most Sacred Being to ever walk the earth in the middle of America which...like it or not...was founded by a bunch of fervent Christians.

If those Christians had settled for some tents and sheets for clothing, America would be like the Gaza Strip. But, we didn't sit around for generations throwing rocks at English people, we built stuff and created the country that many Jews, Muslims and Atheists aspire to call home.

It was the very same Christians who gave us the First Amendment so David is certainly allowed to be annoying, obnoxious and yes...even offensive. I just wonder why he would do so in such a despicable manner...even if it IS funny, and I admit that it is actually VERY funny.

So now that David has crossed the line into offensive humor, I assume another publicity hungry freak will try to top peeing on The Savior of all Mankind. I'm sure that someone, somewhere is trying to top David's little publicity stunt as you read this. In case those people are coming up blank in their efforts, here are a few ideas that just might be offensive to someone and funny to someone else:

1. The Rabbi gets lice from a hooker and passes it on when someone else mistakenly wears his little black beanie. Before long, the entire congregation has lice, except for the Hasidic women who are all wearing wigs.

2. American tourist mistakenly takes a dump in that thing Muslims walk around by the thousands. Shocked...the Muslims take the towels off of their heads and use them to snap the offending crapper to death.

3. Pope answers ad on Craigslist to be a "host" at an S & M party. We find out he likes to play the submissive male and has even been seen hanging from ceilings with a red ball strapped in his mouth.

4. Crazy chick from Jersey goes to Utah and puts birth control pills in the water leading to the eradication of all Mormons except the Osmond family who are actually in on the caper because they want to eliminate the Mormon Tabernacle Choir and replace them with their own family members.

5. Called to treat for cockroaches, an Orkin man kills all of the snakes in a West Virginia church. He replaces them all with garter snakes and becomes famous when the congregation believes that he turned evil serpents into gentle beings.

6. A hemiplegic Auswitch survivor and a blind old nazi share the same room in a nursing home. When they learn of each other's history, hilarity ensues.

7. Shortly after the first gay President takes office, he takes aim at the media who continually refer to him as the Gay Guy-in-Chief. Media strikes back with pictures of the gay president committing sodomy in the Oval Office with 7 prepubescent young boys. Liberal Supreme Court rules that taking it up the backside is NOT technically considered sex so the gay president dude is cleared of all criminal charges and returns to the Oval Office...and to the little boy tourists who get lost in the White House.

8. A Jewish mortician opens a business called Jew-Mart where up to 50 Jews can be cremated and their ashes stuffed into a single receptacle which of course is the no-frills model...you can buy a nicer one but don't let him sell you the ten dollar waterproofing. That's basically just 2 feet of Saran Wrap and you could waterproof the dead people in your own kitchen before you store them in the attic. There are occasionally Jews dumb enough to buy the waterproofing, but it means a mandatory tattoo with a big dunce cap on their left forearms if they do. They call it "Jewish Darwinism".

9. White chick is ship wrecked on island with 32 black guys. She is in charge and the men can't look her straight in the eye, approach her without invitation or fail to perform the day's duty. She immediately commands them to build a new world for her as she goads them on with a whip made out of the same stuff Tom Hanks used to hold his raft together in 'Castaway'.

10. At Joey and Dee's local Pasta-R-Us, an obnoxiously loud Italian family is mowed down, mafia style, while enjoying a meal of eggplant Parmesan. The hit-man was another guinea named Guido. Guido's mother insists on driving him to all of his hits after he gets a DUI. She can be very helpful as she was when her son took out the noisy dagos in the restaurant. She could only shoot the kids, but hey...somebody had to.

Well...

...hanging out with my daughter can be rather dangerous in a weird sort of way. While fixing my hair yesterday, I grabbed my kid's hair spray, aimed it at my head and pushed the button. The left half of my head was covered with a creamy substance that reminded me of an Italian dude I dated in Gogia. It was funny, it didn't matter what the position du jour was, that guy always ended up getting a giant blob of love juice in my hair. My hair is long, but it's not long enough to justify that much cum in it. Obviously, I did NOT grab the hair spray.

Then I picked up some Burt's Bees lip gloss and applied it to my lips. I got my entire lower lip and half of my upper lip before I realized that it wasn't Burt's Bees lip gloss...it was Bert's Bees Blemish Fighter that came in a small roll top bottle like a lot of lip glosses. I thought I tasted anise but it turned out to be fennel. That took a while de-smellify.

Now my daughter wants me to get a tattoo. At my age the only appropriate tattoo would be a Slinky. Then, no matter how much I sag, it will still look like a Slinky, it'll just be a stretched out Slinky. Even if it gets all distorted when I'm 80...it'll just look like most Slinky's look after a few years. Annie doesn't like the Slinky idea so we're at a stand still over the tattoo.

I can't believe that I've gone for over 50 years without feeling the need to get a tattoo and now I'm actually considering it. I'd get it somewhere that would only be seen if I wanted it to be seen...but definitely no tramp stamps. I don't like the idea of some dude staring at my lower back while his mind should be on me.

Anyway, tattoos are not emergencies...I can always worry about that later. Right now I'm worrying about the hideous pain in my side. I'm trying to avoid the hospital and wishing that there was a home morphine delivery service. My daughter thinks I should go to the ER but when SHE goes, she gets a prescription and a nice "How de do!" and then on her way she goes. She's a lot younger than I am and I have enough other medical crap going on to get myself admitted. If I'm not on the payroll, I don't like hospitals very much.

Well, I feel the need to go back and lie on the floor...it's the closest I can get to comfortable. Have a good evening!!!

Hi....my husband cheated on the internet....he says it does not mean anything...but my world has fallen apart....we are back together....but how do i ever trust again....on your blog you went through something similar....maybe you can give me some advice....

Thanx



I'll do my best but that might lead to more confusion. Anyway, I wish someone would have spoken to me about it but I didn't know a soul to ask for advice. First let me offer my deepest and most empathetic, "I hear ya girl!" and now I'll see what I can do with your situation.



First of all, whether he cheated online or in person, the fact is that your trust has been compromised and the pain you fell is valid. People might tell you things like, "Men will be men." or "They all play online, it doesn't mean anything." For some reason people tend to belittle your feelings and minimize what the dishonest person did. Do NOT allow yourself to feel badly for feeling badly. It is what it is, you're hurt, you've been deceived and the sanctity of your marriage vows have been cracked to the core. Trust your own feelings, if you feel hurt, you are. If you feel as though your husband betrayed you, he did. NEVER let anyone tell you differently or make you feel as though you did anything to contribute to your hurt feelings. That's tough for most women by itself, add the efforts of a bit of a manipulator and before you know it, the deception was somehow your fault. Do NOT fall into that trap.

Next, make a decision while you have control over the situation.. If a marriage is going to end, do your best to end it on your own terms or else you will end up blindsided and reacting to the decisions made by someone else. That is NEVER a good thing.

If you decide to stay with your husband, make a reasonable plan. Tell him what you expect, honesty is a good start. Have a calm and serious discussion about what you want out of a marriage. Tell him in no unclear terms exactly what betrayal means so far as YOUR marriage is concerned. For example, if you feel betrayed when he looks at Internet porn, tell him so. Tell him that he has the option of disagreeing and leaving, but if he wants to stay married to you, he must avoid doing things that make you feel betrayed. Tell him what you are willing to do for him and ask him if there is anything that you can do differently to make him happy. That doesn't mean that you did anything wrong in the first place, it just means that you're willing to work hard to keep your marriage together. Set a goal for when you will be able to trust him again. I tried telling my ex to refrain from lying for one year and I would do my best not to act like a jealous fool. The problem was, he could never go for a year without lying. But, if he had been, he might have been able to earn my trust again. We'll never know because he never did it, but if you're lucky, your husband will try to earn your trust and you will see his efforts and begin to trust him again.

If you see that he IS trying, try to let him know that you've noticed and that you appreciate it. If you find yourself unable to trust him no matter what he does, I suggest that you get counseling, either for the two of you or just for yourself.

Probably the most important advice that I can give any woman is to take care of yourself. Go back to school, take up a hobby that you've given up or just take on a new hobby. Do something that is just for you. Make yourself a better person for you, your family and for your husband. The effects of doing that have unlimited potential toward making your marriage better, your life healthier and your self esteem greater. There is absolutely NO downside to that last piece of advice and as I said, unlimited potential exists for you to be happier, healthier and much more successful in life.

Ordinarily, life is pretty black and white...

...I know what I should do about any situation within moments of thinking it through. I'm rarely hesitant about my opinion...if I am, I simply hesitate before I speak. But I've been slapped in the face with personal information about a celebrity that I saw recently. It's not the sort of info that you can just spit out as though you just saw Liza Minelli licking bricks...this is serious information and if I were Perez Hilton, a family would already be broken up over what I saw.

It's rather ironic because I happened upon a married man doing the walk of shame in THIS apartment building, with his hostess for the evening, at 5 AM in the morning. The ironic part is that we were stuck in the elevator together. If no one had said anything, I'd have forgotten the couple by now but as soon as the dude left I found out who he was. I didn't recognize him myself...I doubt that I would have recognized my brother at 5 AM.

At first I was impressed with meeting it ever since. I've decided that I can't say anything about it and that's driving me insane. It's for that reason that I'm even writing this...it was part of the compromise that I came to with me. I'd much rather tell you who it was than NOT tell you, but there were only 2 people to witness what I saw and one of those 2 people was my daughter so I can't say a damn thing without putting her in question so there ya go.

Of course, when I think about the wife, I want to do something to clue her in but then I think of all of the proof I had when my charming ex was cheating yet I didn't believe any of it. The evidence didn't get any better than I had yet as long as he denied it and no one caught him on tape, I couldn't accept the truth and if I DID mention the guy's name, he could easily lie his way out of anything that I said because, chances are, his wife doesn't want to believe the truth anymore than I did.

So, how's that for luck? I'm literally in Hollywood with a big fat juicy star secret and I can't tell a soul. But, I can get all Hedda Hopper and do this:

What well known comic and TV star was recently seen exiting the apartment of a pretty young lady while his wife was at home in another state?